Monday, April 15, 2013

Sky-hooks and Supernovas: The (unauthorized) Lardner family story

My long essay:
I was built for this. I'm tall and wiry, with a wingspan that can stretch out of both car windows when I'm in the driver's seat. Basketball-sized.

My dad has one regular hobby, a singular passion that governs his very-limited leisure time: It's my dad's basketball league; or maybe, his beer and pizza league with an ancillary side of basketball. He's lost a step; they've lost multiple. He stays in shape toting packages for UPS; the job gives him chiseled legs, financial stability, a ravenous appetite, creaky knees, and heaps of stress. Every Thursday, he shows up about 20 minutes late and replaces his brown uniform and boots with ankle braces and thick-soled athletic footwear.

He's the garbage man, cleaning up rebounds and getting hustle points on plays others won't contest. As a child in a family of five brothers, food wasn't in abundance. Eating was an intense sprint of ravenous gulps; the tortoise would starve, outmatched by five eager hares who knew there was no time to pause. He still won't waste food; I've watched him eat many things no one else wanted, not because he was enjoying it, but because it would be bad form to trash it. He makes the best out of scraps, somehow generating points and posterity, carving out a niche.

In real life, he's sometimes just a bland dad. I guess that's what 12 hours of physical labor daily will do, make a man into a barely-animated corpse. But on Thursdays he's not dad but Rob, consistently but not fashionably late (it's a matter of obligation and function), prideful, foul-mouthed, a scrapper. Plays a big man's game in an average body. Rob's teams barely lose, he's the unappreciated hot glue that bonds a squad.

I play blind. I should order myself some goofy wraparound prescription goggles, but instead I hoop on instinct. It's pretty phenomenal, really, how good I am without being able to make eye contact, without reading the passing lanes betrayed by a precursory glance or setting up an unspoken lob through a look with my distributor at point. It's all on feel; I've put in Malcolm Gladwell's 10,000 hours for mastery(or at least it feels like it), in gyms and on blacktop and in driveways, and watching the game and observing its intricacies and committing to memory and then performing until it's muscle memory, ingrained in every jerk and lean.

When I play with them now, I supernova. I'm unstoppable, competing against myself at the start. Back to the basket, working my way left, preparing the hook or the bank. Always smooth, unless it's not, and then I'll just snatch the rebound and rectify my heinous error.

Last time we played, I stuffed Rob on his first shot. “Damnit,” he cursed as his buddies gave him some shit. I can't let him score though, I need to show Rob who's boss. My teammate shoots and misses; I'm there to clean up scraps. Put back, points. Rob, a head below me, wanted the rebound and contested my shot. Didn't matter, I was taught positioning and hustle and how to stay with a missed shot. I was taught never to bring the ball down in a double clutch, to keep it above my head so shorter players couldn't hack at it. Sorry, Rob, dad taught me how to render you helpless.

But, by the 5th or 6th consecutive game, I'm gasping like a pack-a-day smoker, as they keep on chugging while I'm tugging on the shirttail of my man, hanging on for dear life. Thinking about how embarrassed my dad is going to be when his virile young man of a son has a heart-attack playing in the old-timers game. Now I'm the hare, showboating and sprinting until I get passed by the smart and steady.

My dad and I play in the driveway all the time. I've gotten too good for him, I can't even turn around and play back to the basket. He's defenseless in the post against me. Rob's wife, Kathie, sits outside with her black lab on the bench by the pine and watches us play. Most of the time, I show Rob up in front of Kathie. As she watches, I see her chuckle and imagine she thinks about how much has changed, pictures cradling her 6'6” infant who's now battering her husband, a full-grown, former military man himself. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sinks yet another lefty skyhook; he's unblockable.

We used to wrestle on the tacky shag carpet; my parents didn't design the house, and it was the first of many, many renovations they've undertaken. My dad was tougher than me, as is the usual dynamic between parent and toddler, but I'd give it my best shot. I was scrappy, but no match in the scrum. I like to think my dad felt threatened, like I was the young cat of the savannah challenging the patriarch, who may have excessively rested on laurels, lost a step, but in fact I'm sure he was toying with me, like I was the outmatched mouse putting up a valiant but ultimately useless struggle. One day he pulled too hard on a loose toddler limb, horsing around in a rough enough manner to incite the fiery rage of my mom. She thought it was broken, but I escaped with just a sprain. I was 3. My dad sprained his 3 year old's arm. Kareem's arm, high in the air now as the leather tickles twine.

I set foot in Ping a few weeks ago for the first time in my nearly two years at OU. I played basketball with my roommate and a few of his friends. They were awful. Kareem was at Ping. That is, until we were challenged from across the court.

“Are you any good,” I asked the tall and cut man across from me. I was afraid I knew the answer before he opened his mouth. “I used to be, I'm kind of out of shape now.” It was a nice reply, sportsmanlike and humble, but it was patently false.

I blocked him a few times and tallied my fair share of points, but I faltered with my team on my back. I couldn't defend him. He dropped probably 7 on me in a game to 12 during our second game. He was quicker and took better angles. It was a second round knockout after a first round takedown. Judges' scorecards all read 20-15 when the fight was stopped. Before that, I can't remember the last time I've lost. That isn't meant to be bragging, I literally cannot remember.

I set foot in Ping for the second time two days after I set foot in Ping for the first time. This time, I was by myself, in a barren and desolate wasteland of inactivity that vaguely resembled a functioning gym. I logged about 70 minutes of solo time, shooting and driving and dribbling and sweating. I woke up early before class three days after that, and did the same. I didn't enjoy losing, and decided it wasn't going to happen again.

Once, my dad threatened to walk home when my parents were greater than 20 miles away from it. They were playing Whirlyball, which I had to research before writing this section. My source tells me “It's like each player is in a dodgem car on a basketball court. You get a Jai Alai racquet...players try to shoot the ball at a high goal with a net. It actually was fun I know Laura Freiberg and Maureen have both done it years ago too, love mom xoxoxoxo.”

They went with a bunch of friends, and played on separate teams. My dad disagreed with a ref's call that went against him, and stormed off, announcing he would just walk home. Their friends encouraged my mom to go talk to him, make sure he's okay. “No, I'm not going to chase him when he's being a baby,” my mom replied. Eventually, he made it back to the car.

I see his competitive edge flare up when we play ping pong, when he plays morbidly boring Wii games with my brother, when we play cornhole at graduation parties. I also see it in me. It can't be healthy for either of us.

In a shameful stint of my life, I broke 5 Xbox microphones. They kept snapping after they somehow hurtled towards the wall or the floor. Coincidentally, it always seemed to happen when the newest Call of Duty game was in the disc tray. That can't be healthy.

My dad was never very good at sports. He was a wiry offensive guard on his junior high football team; too uncoordinated to play a skill position, but scrappy enough to take on larger kids in the trenches. They won the city championship; I'm still regaled with stories of those glory days. He had never played soccer until high school; he found a niche as a full-back who could barely kick, stepping up for tackles and out-hustling the other team's forwards. But his worst sport was basketball, he sat on the end of the bench every year in an era where giving kids mandatory minutes wasn't the protocol. He rarely played. The summer over his 7th grade year, he left town to stay with an aunt. He made a friend who wanted to get better as much as he did. They played for hours that stretched into days that ran together into weeks. They got significantly better. When winter basketball started up, my dad was a new player. He started getting minutes, minutes he carved out months before with exercises of effort and devotion.

My dad and I communicate on the court, bond using the language of the game. Dish on my brother's laziness and how to get him motivated, or the pratfalls of UPS' bureaucratic waste. It's our “thing,” grease that keeps the wheels of our relationship spinning smoothly, the tie that binds. Playing basketball is a really wide-ranging phrase; it encompasses a casual, almost meditative shoot around, as well as full-contact competition. The level we play at varies, but it's always synchronized, every step mirrored like only the most familiar of foes. He shaped my game, genetically and in practice. It must be weird to see an improved version of yourself across from you, the upgraded model that you had a stake in building.

Neither of us are any good at being wrong. I keep my computer open, browser up and situated within arm's reach, whenever I'm home with him. The Internet will settle shit. It's grating. If we're watching sports, we have to argue about every call. I find myself automatically disagreeing with anything my dad says, taking the other side even if I don't believe it. It feels like a disease, or like I'm too dim to avoid the obvious trap. Contesting points for the sake of arguing. It can't be healthy.

He's hard-working and I'm averse to labor. He's religious; I'm indifferent. He fixes stuff around the house and makes things with his hands, I'm a wordsmith who's been helping him spell and write his Christmas cards since the 4th grade. But on the court, we're threaded together, cut from the same cloth and weaved into the same blanket. Working the low post, back to the basket, battling on the glass, using the backboard for put-backs. Hustle points, never taking the first shot but clamoring for the leftovers. Scrappy.

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