WTF are port wine stains, right? Let me Google that for you.
I can't remember the first time I saw a port wine stain in person. I know my fascination was sparked on the program "What Would You Do," they painted port wine stains on a girl's face, then had her verbally abused by her sales associate, another actress. The associate makes disparaging remarks about her "condition," and says things like "we'll make you look normal."Please try to find time to watch this video.
This essay is unfolding in real-time, a chronicle of going further down the rabbit hole. That episode aired in 2012, and I found a Reddit thread from 2011 that I recognize for sure. This girl puts her imperfection on display, fielding all questions with good humor. She even calls a retouched version of the photo of her with normal skin "weird." Maybe this was my first experience learning about these, and it's fitting that it would be from Reddit, the information buffet I've feasted on over the last few years.
It has been a topic of a Dear Abby column before, but I can't find the specific ones I read.
This is a picture of a pretty one; is the mark pretty or do I like it because the girl is happy?
I get absolutely giddy at even the mention of port wine stains, it's practically Pavlovian. The sight of them makes me so happy.
I can't find anyone who fetishizes port wine stains on the Internet, the place where pretty much everything exists. I might be the only one who sees them as lustrous, beautiful marks that augment a person instead of hinder them. I'm OK with that.
I have a scar from when I fell running for the bus that runs along my left thumb. I don't like that origin story; I prefer to say that I got jumped, acquired it in a valiant and manly battle. My mom bought me some stuff to rub on it that would reduce or even eliminate it in 3-6 months. It's been 7 years, and I still haven't used it. I don't think I want to.
There's this girl on my green who unabashedly wore short shorts in the fall. Port wine stains sheath her bare limbs. Pollack in scarlet monochrome. I'm like a kid on Christmas when I see her. Once, we were in a loose-knit conversation, the type where your friends know my friends so lets stand here and posture up and try to seem cool without having anything to say. I was too nervous to say what I wanted to say. I didn't say anything at all. I don't remember what her face looks like, but I'd remember those legs anywhere.
I have stretch marks from being fat on my stomach and sides. My battle with food was the toughest of my life. If you really think about it, those scars are self-inflicted.
My biggest high school crush (and by that I mean still in high school, isn't that awful?) has a giant nose. She plays it up, absolutely owns it. Nosetradamus, et al. She loves posting ugly, unflattering pictures of herself on social media.
3 in 1000 people have port wine stains. Many who have one facially coat themselves in makeup to hide it. I bet I've seen, known so many more people who have them, but hide them.
This girl I met at a party has a weird esteem quirk. She thinks she's ugly and laments her pastyness, her small tits, even her personality--she used that C word to describe herself, trying to explain the reason she doesn't have a valentine today. She didn't have all of these insecurities when we reversed roles and she came on to me that night. Maybe the port wine was bubbling in her stomach and it blocked the port wine of her heart.
They can be lightened surgically. I wish people wouldn't do that.
I didn't make the connection, my roommate did. He goes, "You're really into girls like that," after I tell him about the party girl's outpouring of resentment on Twitter. "Wait, what?" I reply dubiously. "Girls who emphasize their flaws." He's absolutely right.
It goes back to my persistent white knight fantasy. I want to save a girl, then savor her. But it's not really that clear cut. I think I like the marks specifically because I want to cradle her and tell her that there's nothing wrong with her, that she isn't flawed, that the sales associate is the one who's wrong, that society is wrong for looking at it and just looking away, refusing to make eye contact.
In Steubenville, Ohio there was a huge incident covered by the New York Times where a 16 year old girl was abused and raped at a party by two football players. There were other accomplices and many witnesses. Her ex-boyfriend brought her there, and may have set it up. She was dragged from party to party, completely nude, molested and violated. They took pictures, Tweeted about it, recorded video. The town is a corrupt small town, doing everything they can to keep their precious football team out of trouble. The news can't publish the name of the girl, a minor and victim. I used my journalism background (and my internet creeping background that so many in our generation are proficient in) to find her. I know her name. She lives in West Virginia, not far from here. She could, realistically, end up at OU. I'd just like to fucking tenderly hold her and put her head on my shoulder and reassure her that she isn't broken.
3 in 1000 people have port wine stains. 1000 of 1000 people have flaws.
I guess a port wine stain can be a bit of a scarlet letter. Hester ended up owning hers. I'm not in love (interesting how I started with turned on and ended at in love; somewhere I made the unconscious transition from sexual to romantic) with port wine stains, I'm in love with flaws. Flaws are imperfect, which makes them human. Wear your badges, your scars that confirm your personhood with pride. Find someone who loves that about you.
Port Wine is described as a sweet, fortified wine.
I actually found this to be really interesting. Odd too, but we're all odd. I really liked how you related port-wine stains and girls who emphasize their flaws and brought about the statistics of flaws and port-win stains. This is kind of a confession into who you are and I think that is a new realm for us as your readers --I like it. It is interesting how you go from being turned on into a love affair and that you point it out. I think maybe it's evidence that you're not as crude as you think you are which is usually a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved this, and I think this is brilliant journalism. Is it weird that I didn't find this to be weird or crude at all? I was nervous when you said we probably wouldn't like it because it's crude, but I thought it was completely fascinating. You include so many different references, and so many interesting examples and stories and tie them all up with a reocurring topic: port wine.
ReplyDeleteThe play on port wine here is very clever. It is considered (by some) to be a "flaw," and yet, it is "a sweet fortified wine." I love that you point out flaws are sweet, and they should be relished because everyone has them, so there's no point in hiding them.
You seem to really open up and let your personality show through in this essay, and that adds intimacy, which is great.
The only part I'm unsure about is your decision to include the information about the girl in Steubenville, Ohio. It really draws attention to the fact that you truly care about women and their respect and well-being. However, it could also counteract your emphasis on flaws being beautiful. The guys that did that to her are severely sick and flawed, and the corrupt town is flawed for covering it up. Instead of being beautiful, I find these flaws to be disgustingly ugly, and that could potentially take away from what you seem to be going for in this essay.
However, overall, I thought this was a wonderful essay!
I think you might be right; I was thinking solely about physical flaws when I wrote this and thought about the rampant slut-shaming in our culture and the idea of girls always needing to be like classy and in-control. I think the lawyer of the victim says she's trying to deal with it and move on, but I think that she might feel tarnished, violated, and incomplete.
DeleteI see how it's a gray area though. I guess for me passive flaws are the focus, while flaws people act on or create are inexcusable. I think you make a great point and it's something to consider in revision.
"Pollack in scarlet monochrome"
ReplyDeleteVery nice.
I want you to know that you are not weird, nor is this piece of writing. It's heartfelt and relentless in its pace, but I enjoy that. The only part I don't like is your mention of Hester and the scarlet letter. It is unnecessary and, to me at least, not quite fitting with your obsession with port stains.
No, really, this is a very good post. Impassioned and regarding a worthy subject.
With that I was trying to compare the scarlet letter with port wine stains (probably because of the color), a mark you can choose to hide and be shameful of or to embrace and flaunt. I can see that I didn't bridge it well at all though.
DeleteTruly excellent work here, Matt. The essay is about port wine stains, and flaws--yours and those of the women you love--but it's also about feeling scattered. You make this a topic by including all of the links, the videos, and by addressing it directly with your comments about internet spying.
DeleteWhat you admit at the end about your white knight desires is surprising and interesting. Would you want to acknowledge the possibly patronizing aspect of such a thing, and why so many of us as men end up in that romantic space?
I think you should keep, but perhaps revise the bits about Steubenville and The Scarlet Letter. Maybe deepen the exploration based on the comments from TC and AM.
Three things I'd directly change. "I'm like a kid on Christmas." Why not, "I'm like Gorbachev on. . ." He's got a Port Wine stain, and you'd be switching the cliche out for something original; the bit about "port wine of the heart" is unclear." The ending seems a little hand-holdy.
I think "wear your badges" is the punchy, Wallacian ending that works here. Then, the coda should read, "Port is a sweet, fortified wine." Don't worry about stealing the language, and/or link to it.
What you want to end with is the image of Port, and to suggest that something about port wine stains evokes sweetness and strength to you. Eliminate the words that don't help you get there, and don't tell us the moral. It'll be there.
How do I love theessay?
The structure, which is digressive without the digressive language. This kind of jumping around is hard to pull off, but I think you're doing it, doing the A to C while skipping B that actually apes the way our minds often work, especially our minds-on-Reddit.
The section about "loose-knit conversation" is tremendous. Sentence structure's working. Awkwardness is really working.
This should be a longer formal essay, and you should find a venue for it. Let's talk.
DW
Matt,
ReplyDeletethis blog post is very different from anything I've ever read before. I really liked your use of video as well as tying other ideas of flaws into your reasoning and argument. I think that it's great how you recognize flaws as a good thing because most of this world tries to pretend like they are all perfect. I think this essay, though meaning to focus on one thing you find enticing, says a lot about you as a person without just straightup saying these things. I really enjoyed your post. Thanks for sharing!
Wow Matt, this was a really really excellent piece. Honest, intimate, conversational, writer is part of the subject; in a class analysis way, it has all the great components. (well, minus unity because not everyone fetishes port wine stains, but plus unity because everyone can identify with the truth behind this)
ReplyDeleteI watched this ESPN thing on the Stubenville case. It's truly infuriating. It's pure, vulgar, uneducated, corrupt, filthy injustice. Those two disgusting sadist freaks, as well as the fuckers on Twitter, and the horrible horrible adults letting all of this happen, all deserve to rot in hell, or at least jail. But sadly, we live in a world where athleticism is apparently a justifiable excuse to ignore blatant crimes. I see where your concern comes in, during this train of thought, however, I feel that this story in itself is enough to fuel an entire essay/post, and a bit off track of this one. I have to say I laughed out loud at the line "I'd just like to fucking tenderly hold her..." It took me off guard, but in a good way!
The way that this post unfolded, showing how your thoughts progressed, was really great and made it a really interesting read. I also really like the idea and the message behind the piece. I will say, when I first started reading, I questioned whether or not to read the whole thing, feeling a bit uncomfortable at the idea of hearing about your fetishes, however, upon further reading, I was glad I read the whole thing.
Also, not only was it honest and insightful, but it was informative. I had no idea what a port wine stain was, and now I have some facts for if there's ever a jeopardy question about it. lol
In this post, you reveal a lot. Although Dave Eggers believes that revealing personal information like this is no big deal, a lot of people find it to be incredibly hard. There are definitely certain things I wouldn't tell people, let alone blog about for anyone and everyone to read. But I'm also very anxious when it comes to the opinions of others. So, I have to wonder, does putting yourself out there like that scare you? worry you? make you anxious? nervous? Or are you thick skinned like our friend Dave and able to shamelessly reveal yourself without fear? If so, are there areas of your personal life that you would be uncomfortable exposing? I'm actually really interested in your response because I can see it being a possible downfall, of my desire to write, that I'm not so willing throw all my cards on the table.
Overall, wonderful piece Matt. I really enjoyed it.
Hey Katie, thanks for the detailed feedback and compliments! I'm not sure if you were expecting an answer to your question or if it was rhetorical, but I'm gonna i've them a shot. I don't see it in the way that Eggers does, like you can't touch me because it's just information. I almost see getting intimate and pushing the envelope on here as therapeutic, the diary I'm too lazy to keep. I'd be willing to say pretty much anything on here, but would maybe balk at that in person? I try to just do things unfiltered, be direct and not worry so much about what the class thinks; if I''m a freak for it, I'm a freak. No big deal. But it almost feels good to share maybe, unload a burden on the reader..?
DeleteTry to write something incredibly honest and see how you feel; if you can't go through with it just don't post. I've written in this way for my woolf emulation and my music essay, and it feels pretty good to let out.
I really liked the way you constructed this post. I think it worked really well coming back to the port wine stain in between discussing other flaws. I especially loved your "1000 of 1000 people have flaws" comment. That was lovely.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I felt that the Steubenville rape section didn't fit seamlessly into your post because the way the town is reacting to the whole ordeal, as Alexis said above, is flawed in a negative way. I think simply leaving out the town's reaction to it and just saying you want to tell her she isn't broken would sit better with me.
You were able to share a lot of personal details in here as well. I'm just really impressed by the post overall; it shows a lot of thought and skill. Finally, I loved the way you ended with describing what port wine is. It's sweet, just like you believe flaws are. There are so many other things I could mention in this post, but I don't have enough room here. Really, really great job.
That's really awesome, Matt! I think I'll try it and see how it works for me. I kind of get what you're saying though because I'm taking poetry workshop and I wrote one poem in particular that made me really anxious to turn in, anxious for others to see, and luckily that poem was the one poem I haven't been workshopped on... but I was actually really disappointed that I didn't get it read and talked about after I had taken that risk, but at the sAme time relieved. If that makes sense.
ReplyDelete